Dr DRE is in da house!

“I don’t even let anyone wag their finger in my face” - Tony Soprano

Surely there has to be a better way to check for prostate cancer than sticking a finger up the arse and foraging around the prostate? Some scan or something. Couldn’t they use that new x-ray machine that they are going to use at airports? I will tell you something for nothing – there is a Gobillion dollars to the inventor of such a devise.

“Ah, Mr. Jones, I see you are due for due for your yearly prostate check-up. Now we have two options here. One costs $200 and is non-invasive, much like a diabetes test. The other is free and involves you dropping your trousers, bending forward over the examination table, at which point I will slip my rubber clad finger up your anus”

It’s not even the physicality of the procedure. Yes slightly uncomfortable I imagine but not exactly painful. It is the indignity for both parties involved. I can’t help but think about the doctor having to study medicine for seven years only to spend his days with his well-lubed-up fingers up mine and other men’s arses.

I have done a little research on the matter and found out some important facts.

1. The traditional prostate exam, where a finger is inserted into the anus, is medically referred to as a Digital Rectal Exam, or more commonly a DRE. Poor Doctor Dre. He really got the bum rap on that one. Press Play!
   (bum rap…fuck that felt good).
2. The DRE only really examines about 10% of the prostate area. That is the area that can be reached by the fingers
3. Many studies have questioned the effectiveness of the DRE in detecting cancer and other prostate related illnesses.
4. The American Medical Association is currently changing its guidance relating to prostate examinations to “a thorough screening for prostate cancer every 4 years is adequate."
5. The Health Central website advises a doctor exam every 4 years combined with either a self-examination or PARTNER-assisted examination every year. (The only time I am ever letting my partner put something up my arse is if there is some form of leather harness, lubrication, a safety word and the promise of an orgasm).
6. If you ever do get anything stuck up your arse, say like a cucumber or a dildo or the entire cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, you will need three things; a bottle of whiskey, a pair of tongs and a friend who can keep a secret.